The end of civilisation as we know it is near!

For this travel mad homo not so sapiens, who is used to be brought to the Teutonic borders around early March for a first visit (usually followed by around two more appearances in a normal year), a certain malaise evolved, which at the time I described thus:


The end of civilisation as we know it is near!

Any man mad disaster pales into insignificance compared to what is going to happen shortly.

The mountains of Switzerland will tremble and the gnomes of Zurich will shudder

And not because they are watching in horror a tax evasion scheme being parlamentarially dismembered.

And not because an uncaring soul – foreigner that is – has told a joke in Bern after 13.30 on a Friday which made the solemn congregation of the faithful in the local church cringe and looking shocked as one of theirs burst into laughter on Sunday at 10.30 (Bern people are said to be slow and hence the rule of not telling jokes after 13.30 on any Friday)

And not because the huddled masses in certain Indian metal factories are grinning like Cheshire cats with too much crème around their salivating mouths

BUT because I, Joachim Rolf Peter Holzrichter am running out of PIPE CLEANERS

The world knows our gnomes in Switzerland for two manufacturing miracles (apart from tax avoiding schemes that is) and that is Kuckuck clocks and pipe cleaners.

And because of their state of preciousness – the pipe cleaners that is – they tend to only be sold in well and truly civilised countries, such as Switzerland, Germany, Austria and, may be, as an occasional errant pack, also in the sophisticated parts of her Majesty’s realm, thus being confined to world class pipe shops in the Soho area of Londonium.

And yes, the huddled masses of Indian metal factories also do produce such useful and irreplaceable items, however, their quality is so shamefully inferior to the Swiss made implements of identical purpose of use, that no self respecting pipe smoker would ever be able to scramble together all the will and conviction needed to use them for the intended purpose of pipe cleaning, since they are utterly useless for the task. Which is a good enough reason as to why they are sold in Newsagents around the outer realms of Her Majesties Kingdom (Australia) in the children’s do it your self handicraft section of said commercial enterprises.

In times gone by – no make that in a bygone era – I, J.R.P.Holzrichter tended to purchase sufficient quantities of those Swiss made “Blitz System Konische Pfeifenreiniger mit Buerste” a registered trademark of Denicotea, in fancy red and white and occasionally in the even more fancy blue and white fashion design, to last him the time between visits to the mother country.

However, due to utterly unfortunate and - at the time of last purchase entirely unforeseeable – changes in travel arrangements, brought, in part, on this suffering soul by some of those other machinations for which the gnomes of Zurich and their brethrens in the new world of the former colonies of her Majesties realm, The US of A have been responsible, the GFC, the over decades finely tuned and timed purchasing habits of this devastated pipe smoking individual have been proven to be inadequate and hence the currently arising, devastating, shortage of pipe cleaners.

The world will mark Monday the first of March anno domini two thousand and ten with a dark and shrouded pipe cleaner symbol in the world’s calendariums (that’s when I really ran out)

And that day will forthwith and around the world be known as the end of civilisation as we KNEW it.

(doomsday merchants of this world, eat your hearts out and mark my words)